“Abandon hope all ye who enter here,” so says the sign above the privy in the Epic Adventures castle, and few who enter without a gas mask ever return.  But if you follow the torch-lit corridor, from the office, beyond the privy, to its very end, you will find a set of heavy doors bound with iron and scored with eldritch runes of warding.

“Do Note Disturbe!”

For behind those doors, in the bowels of the castle, is Dragonpearl, the Epic Adventures dragon who keeps the knight infestation at reasonable levels, and in the long term works out only marginally more expensive to feed than a big dog.  Yae, and few are the vet bills for a dragon, for few are the vets who will visit.

Dragonpearl once worked in Hollywood as a stunt double in the live action Disney movie Pete’s Dragon.  Dragonpearl’s fame reached its height in the 1980’s, doing the voice of Tiamat for the cartoon version of Dungeons & Dragons.  But Hollywood was no place for a real dragon; animatronics and computer generations were replacing them and, after negotiations with NBC regarding the possibility of a talk show failed, Dragonpearl returned to the east coast.  Pausing only briefly to burn down the offices of Mannheim & Schultz, formerly the agents for the disenchanted dragon, and crush the cars of several NBC programming executives.

When asked now about the heady days of Hollywood excess; the sex, the drugs and the contemporary jazz, Dragonpearl is wistfully silent.  Perhaps the scaly lizard does not care about past failures and has accepted that fame was never meant, or perhaps Dragonpearl spends the nights and days endlessly plotting the downfall and dismemberment of both Jay Leno and David Letterman – who can say?  The annual destruction by fire of the NBC broadcast tower in Chicago may be some indictor of the dragon’s feelings.

Nowadays Dragonpearl spends a lot of time counting the vast horde of coins and gems, acquired through family connections with the mafia and a part share in a profitable donut franchise, which litters the cavernous lair under the EA castle.  Every Saturday, except when the vet has to be called out to treat a recurring bladder infection, Dragonpearl DM’s the Wells of Immortality game, which started in the post-apocalyptic year of 2001, and is set on the world of Faerun in the Forgotten Realms.  All the players say Dragonpearl is a good and fair DM, the like of which has ne’er been seen across the all the planes, worthy of praise and large cash donations made anonymously.  And the players continue to say that until the dragon is safely out of earshot.

If you are sufficiently bold – and NOT another bloody knight – you may contact Dragonpearl by clicking here.  Or you may visit the nicer part of the lair by clicking the photograph (yes, it is a photograph) above.


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